My alter ego

As far back as I remember, there has always been two sides of me. Jon and Jonathan.
Back when I was called Jonathan only, I had a superiority complex, a fear of being second, extreme pride in everything I do, and my friendships were shallow. I don't remember how it started, but I believe I started introducing myself as Jon Teng somewhere in high school. My belief for changing my name was that Jonathan seemed too proper, too formal for others to simply call and ask for help. Jonathan would be the one to call if you wanted a tongue-lashing to go along side it, but Jon would be open to help, without trying to force moral standards down your throat. But, it quickly became an identity crisis which I could not foresee. I soon became unable to control both sides of the same coin. I had to mentally shut down the fun, loveable side of myself, when I had to get things done. This usually meant hurtful words, cold shoulders, and facial expression of a bull, charging down the pit of death. On the other side though, I could never become assertive, share what I like and dislike, when I put Jonathan's persona down. I became aloof, unable to form sentence structures that elementary students could understand, and my intelligence was scattered with all my wisdom out the door. As a result of my inability to control these two sides, friendships to me seem hot or cold, alienated yet dependent, frustrating yet with glee and joyfulness. Things became polar extremities. Understanding me would be difficult because I did not even understand me. I could not grasp myself for who I was, for I was fighting myself in every situation. Jon vs. Jonathan was the game I would play each day, whether it was working, playing, and even when I was talking with God. I wonder if it is time to lay aside one of my egos, becoming fully immersed into the other. But, would I be losing a part of myself? "Why can't I just be me" is what I'm thinking. "Why must one of us be gone?" says both sides. And yes, my both egos talk to each other.

love means vulnerable

source

welcome back

guess whos back.
back again.
jonteng's back.
tell a friend.. ..


dont really know what to blog about. its weird. i guess a heavy update is due.

church
I found a wonderful new home. loving, caring, and the right amount of theology and humor that challenges me week by week, almost a daily moment by moment thing. Its a church in LA and despite my uneasiness to drive there and back, I dont feel it as a burden, but a great time to prepare my heart for worship and to really give praise to God.


family
my relationship with my mom has been getting better. I hope that it will grow and strengthen, but at the same time I'm afraid it'll be the same as before - i trust her too much, then i get hurt again. need to forgive like Jesus forgives though.

next step of life

I've realized that i need to move on with my life. what is my next step?
Recently I've been so caught up with "what would" instead of "what now".
I need to graduate, get a job, and move on with my life.

men and women of california

i've come to the conclusion why there is such a hard way for
nice men and women to meet in california.
it is because men and women of california arent your standard
"norm" of men and women. Though they are called men and women,
there is a clear distinction about who they really are.
(either one or some of the points)

MEN of CALIFORNIA -
are a bit more shy than your average person
are a bit more gay-friendly/oriented in a fashion that they do bro-mance
are metro sexual
are more in touch with their feelings then women
are lost in their career/decision with life
are ungrounded in life

WOMEN of CALIFORNIA -
are more independent
are unlikely to attach themselves to someone
are more in touch with pride then some men
are close minded to other ppl, ie: more selfish
are unwilling to lay down her life/comfort for someone else

im not saying that ppl that do have "good traits" aren't in california,
but, im saying by these criterias, these are the problems that we're facing,
and by all means, me included.

MEN need to be MEN in california..
and
WOMEN need to act more like WOMEN in california..

for "[....] male and female, He created them" Genesis 1:27

life as we know it

a brother in Christ once asked me,
"in a relationship, what can you OFFER? its great that you know you're looking for,
but what about what she's looking for? its not just is she the one, but are YOU the one?"

so, i was pondering about this, and, i was really depressed.
dude, what do i seriously have to offer?...

then, i realized that im awesome, but lazy. hahaha
so, without further ado, here are my qualities that i have to offer :)

1.) i love cooking. Give me a recipe, the right equipment, the right people to cook for,
i dont mind it. Yea, most ppl give me the cold shoulder and say, "you never cooked for me!"
well, to them i say, "YOU NEVER CAME OVER TO MY HOUSE! NEEEURRR :P"

2.) i like my sense of humor. i dont know if you agree with it or not, but i like it and i dont think
im going to change it. Yea, i can be vulgar with the "that's what she said" or the obscure random quotes that i use from various movies and situations that i've seen in my day in age, but, thats my humor, and i think im a humorous guy :)

3.) i can* spoil you.
*limited terms apply: 1) you are a very important person in my life and i would love to do almost anything for you. 2) i have the means to do so. 3) if i can, i will

4.) though EVERYONE is selfish, including myself, i believe that im a tad more selfless then the average. (like, a flat B in comparison to the world k?) like, i'll consider your feelings, consider your situation, consider YOU, consider others, consider the group, etc. etc. i just want the best case scenario

5.) im a more than-your-average tech savy guy. What this means is, whenever your computer is broken, your phone is acting up, you need to use the internet but theres no internet around, i can get you where you need to get to on the web/internet. also, yeah, im always online. roflolocopter :)

6.) most people think this is a downer, but, at least i know where i am, right?
im a gamer. i like games. there are some games that i dont like, and some that i really like.
i would probably try to get you hooked on gaming too

decisions

there are some decisions that are easy to make.
q: "should i sin?"
a: "you shouldn't"
q: "should i goto church?"
a: "yes you should"
q: "grape jelly or strawberry with peanut butter?"
a: "grape jelly"

but, recently, there are some decisions, but more like "options".
like, for me, church situation, spouse, and career choice.

there are some certain decisions that ive made recently like that
i know for sure that im going to keep on playing video games.
thats my given now though that was something i was struggling with.

i feel like i got a "calling", but, im so unsure of it.
i mean, seriously, i dont even do what 'they' do when i'm at school,
and yet, that is their job. is it so hard to want to do it but with other things?

sigh.. choices.
sometimes i wish God made us robots.. =[