My alter ego

As far back as I remember, there has always been two sides of me. Jon and Jonathan.
Back when I was called Jonathan only, I had a superiority complex, a fear of being second, extreme pride in everything I do, and my friendships were shallow. I don't remember how it started, but I believe I started introducing myself as Jon Teng somewhere in high school. My belief for changing my name was that Jonathan seemed too proper, too formal for others to simply call and ask for help. Jonathan would be the one to call if you wanted a tongue-lashing to go along side it, but Jon would be open to help, without trying to force moral standards down your throat. But, it quickly became an identity crisis which I could not foresee. I soon became unable to control both sides of the same coin. I had to mentally shut down the fun, loveable side of myself, when I had to get things done. This usually meant hurtful words, cold shoulders, and facial expression of a bull, charging down the pit of death. On the other side though, I could never become assertive, share what I like and dislike, when I put Jonathan's persona down. I became aloof, unable to form sentence structures that elementary students could understand, and my intelligence was scattered with all my wisdom out the door. As a result of my inability to control these two sides, friendships to me seem hot or cold, alienated yet dependent, frustrating yet with glee and joyfulness. Things became polar extremities. Understanding me would be difficult because I did not even understand me. I could not grasp myself for who I was, for I was fighting myself in every situation. Jon vs. Jonathan was the game I would play each day, whether it was working, playing, and even when I was talking with God. I wonder if it is time to lay aside one of my egos, becoming fully immersed into the other. But, would I be losing a part of myself? "Why can't I just be me" is what I'm thinking. "Why must one of us be gone?" says both sides. And yes, my both egos talk to each other.