My alter ego

As far back as I remember, there has always been two sides of me. Jon and Jonathan.
Back when I was called Jonathan only, I had a superiority complex, a fear of being second, extreme pride in everything I do, and my friendships were shallow. I don't remember how it started, but I believe I started introducing myself as Jon Teng somewhere in high school. My belief for changing my name was that Jonathan seemed too proper, too formal for others to simply call and ask for help. Jonathan would be the one to call if you wanted a tongue-lashing to go along side it, but Jon would be open to help, without trying to force moral standards down your throat. But, it quickly became an identity crisis which I could not foresee. I soon became unable to control both sides of the same coin. I had to mentally shut down the fun, loveable side of myself, when I had to get things done. This usually meant hurtful words, cold shoulders, and facial expression of a bull, charging down the pit of death. On the other side though, I could never become assertive, share what I like and dislike, when I put Jonathan's persona down. I became aloof, unable to form sentence structures that elementary students could understand, and my intelligence was scattered with all my wisdom out the door. As a result of my inability to control these two sides, friendships to me seem hot or cold, alienated yet dependent, frustrating yet with glee and joyfulness. Things became polar extremities. Understanding me would be difficult because I did not even understand me. I could not grasp myself for who I was, for I was fighting myself in every situation. Jon vs. Jonathan was the game I would play each day, whether it was working, playing, and even when I was talking with God. I wonder if it is time to lay aside one of my egos, becoming fully immersed into the other. But, would I be losing a part of myself? "Why can't I just be me" is what I'm thinking. "Why must one of us be gone?" says both sides. And yes, my both egos talk to each other.

love means vulnerable

source

welcome back

guess whos back.
back again.
jonteng's back.
tell a friend.. ..


dont really know what to blog about. its weird. i guess a heavy update is due.

church
I found a wonderful new home. loving, caring, and the right amount of theology and humor that challenges me week by week, almost a daily moment by moment thing. Its a church in LA and despite my uneasiness to drive there and back, I dont feel it as a burden, but a great time to prepare my heart for worship and to really give praise to God.


family
my relationship with my mom has been getting better. I hope that it will grow and strengthen, but at the same time I'm afraid it'll be the same as before - i trust her too much, then i get hurt again. need to forgive like Jesus forgives though.